Does disagreement between long-term partners over how often to have sex spell doom beyond the bedroom?
Sexual intimacy is a basic human need that doesn’t go away with age. Never roll over and ignore problems in long-term relationships.
It is also inappropriate to unilaterally change the relationship’s sexual contract, and such actions send a flashing red light, signalling despair and mayhem. We paraphrase the following from a blog reader (to keep things anonymous since lopsided desire is a deeply personal and painful issue):
Whenever you are married or in a long-term relationship, one of you doesn’t want to have sex anymore. What do you do? Therapists often recommend “more sex,” but what if your partner, seriously, doesn’t want to have sex? A divorce? An open marriage? Are most couples lying about having loving sex frequently?”
The more overt forms of popular culture, even in our era of confessional social media, have done a poor job of portraying couples dealing with this problem, even with Google providing answers to our most challenging questions and an online community for even the most niche subcultures. There is still a lot of mystique surrounding polyamory. A foursome experimented with wife-swapping in the late ’60s; in the ’90s, couples from the ’70s explored key parties in The Ice Storm, but with dysfunctional results. Likewise, Same Time, Next Year is filled with wistfully “perfect” situations of married friends with benefits who were not so perfect in the end.
We were recently treated to the remarkably nonjudgmental Big Love documentary, which explored fundamentalist Mormon polygamy. The story of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt is an excellent example of how cheaters, even with permission, don’t get a fair shake in broader pop culture.
The original power couple had incredibly complex rules during their secret extramarital adventures. None of their shenanigans—with secretaries and bodyguards, neighbours and mutual friends, and in Eleanor’s case, men and women alike—were publicly disclosed. However, biographers have persevered in uncovering the truth, especially Hazel Rowley, who wrote Franklin and Eleanor: An Extraordinary Marriage in 2010. The Roosevelt marriage had run its course on intimacy after six pregnancies, but the partnership was still strong. Having found out about Franklin’s longtime dalliances, Eleanor forgave him during the war and when he was paralyzed by polio (which, nota bene, did not dim his ardour). For nearly four terms of his presidency, they maintained the “don’t ask-don’t tell” policy. Many people suspect Bill and Hillary Clinton’s enduring marriage is based on this arrangement.
Now let’s look at the question raised by this reader. The good news is that you don’t have to suffer in silence if your needs aren’t being met. Even though this is tricky to negotiate, you will need outside assistance to unravel all the knots in your bedsheets.
Danny Palermo of Cachet Ladies, a marketing manager with our escort agency, says to see a therapist. “And if your partner won’t join you, go on your own!”. “When Intimacy Ends,” we must delve deep into what can and will happen in this instance.
It is common for wives or husbands to send me distraught emails telling me their partner doesn’t want sex, doesn’t want help, and thinks this is all fine. These emails are filled with anguish: “They’re ready to move on to the next phase of life sexless.” “I don’t want to give up my sexuality,” they will say. “I want my partner, but if he or she doesn’t want to have sex with me, what do I do?” they say. What if my partner doesn’t want me to cheat on them? Do I get a prostitute? Wait until they say it’s okay to find another person?” she asks.
Those who don’t want sex don’t realize that the partner who does may leave if this doesn’t get addressed, says Palermo.
In the Greater Toronto area, couples and escorts from Cachet Ladies escorts say there are many reasons for sex disconnect, including Let’s address the biggest fear first, and we cannot sugar-coat it. “When a couple’s sexual life suddenly ends, it’s important to address it.” The cause could be depression, exhaustion, or even involvement of another outside the marriage.
In addition to physical challenges that can multiply as you age, we’re not just talking about erectile dysfunction or menopause pain and discomfort, all of which are treatable. There are ways to show intimacy that can be used to treat chronic illnesses like diabetes, heart disease, and mental illness, which can also affect libido. Outercourse is highly evocative, so evocative that it immediately demonstrates how couples can deal with issues related to intercourse.
By understanding the cause, Palermo says, you can make informed decisions about your options and how to handle the crisis with your partner.
“Not all couples want sex,” she says. “A lack of interest in sex can indicate other relationship problems, such as physical or mental health problems or, in rare cases, excessive gambling or drug or alcohol abuse.” Each of these issues requires a different treatment plan.
An effective sexual relationship is essential, says Danny Palermo, a Marketing Manager at the escort industry’s top agency, Cachet Ladies. Moreover, you should be aware that familiarity works against you. “When you first enter a relationship, sex is exciting and new,” she says. Long-term relationships need to demonstrate love and depth rather than newness. They don’t have to be stale, but they take effort to maintain.”
The Wild West pop culture climate is no longer ruled by outdated restrictions regarding sexual orientation or gender orientation, Palermo says. Partners rarely ignore a new or emerging sexual orientation that may cause sexual problems, and Caitlyn Jenner leads us into a new era of self-realization as a role model.
Faced with a new world at our fingertips, it’s no wonder our expectations are failing.
Since humans lived in caves, we have struggled with the concept of sex…
In equal measure, while we can find a wonderful new sense of community online, we also find an unrealistic place where we feel “not good enough,” says Palermo. You look at porn online; everyone is beautiful, and everyone else is having sex hanging from the chandeliers. When you see your partner, you decide they won’t hang from the chandeliers with you. Porn can shape people’s views of sexuality.”
“Normal” sex has been a challenge for humanity since we inhabited caves, and every day is whatever works for you. Palermo says some couples don’t want to have sex, and that’s fine as long as they both agree.
“There are some clinical guidelines here to define frequency.” “Less than ten times a year is considered a non-sexual marriage,” she says, “and 11 to 20 times a year is a low-sexual marriage. In your 20s and 30s, you should have two to three times a week. There is no such thing as normal,” she emphasizes. “Normal is what partners negotiate with each other. For some people, twice a year is fine; for others, it isn’t at all fine.”
Whatever the cause, experts, including Palermo of Cachet Ladies escorts, say that fixing damaged relationships is not rocket science, and both parties must have the will to make things right. Negotiation and communication, that dreaded therapy word, are essential.
“By the time a couple comes to me,” Palermo says of lopsided desire issues, they are past the point of acceptance,” she adds. People tend to get into some routine that doesn’t include having dates and romance, so all that needs to be addressed. Communication about sex suffers. Maybe you and your partner’s egos have been hurt. Sexuality has a great deal to do with our self-concept.”
When one chooses to stop having sex, there must be a negotiated agreement. According to Palermo and the escorts at Cachet Ladies, older couples may conclude that sex is no longer as important as it once was and become more like companions than sexual lovers.
Palermo explains that such arrangements should be discussed together as a couple. “It would be grossly unfair if one shut down without communication and announced that no sex would take place by choice.”
In summary, our reader had two options when there was a one-sided flat-out refusal to have sex — to have sex outside the relationship or to end the relationship — but there are more nuances and greater hope.
If you want to seek sexual satisfaction outside the marriage but still retain that marriage, then you have to earn your partner’s blessing. Calling an agency such as Cachet Ladies is an excellent way to spark a marriage.
If you want to stay in a marriage and deny sex or alternative forms of intimacy for whatever reason, you have to find a way to make it work for your partner. The decision to seek sexual satisfaction outside the primary relationship must be communicated and agreed upon by both partners if or when a partner no longer wants sex.
When a relationship is open, the possibility of an asteroid hitting the primary relationship exists. My escort agency experience has shown that most open relationships do not work, so they must be handled with care and respect.
The best option for people who don’t want to have sex anymore is when their partner says, ‘I give you my blessing to have sex with someone else. You have the right to that joy,'” says Palermo.
As Palermo describes, you can open up your relationship in two ways: “You can give permission and insist on discretion.” Or you can agree on your partner going outside the relationship but setting firm boundaries. Only under certain circumstances; when they are out of town; when you know in advance; when you approve the person. Decide what matters to both of you. Decide how we will do this new thing at our age.”
The key to success with polyamory is to work with a sex therapist who is open-minded and knowledgeable about it. She says your original agreement will probably need revision, so “come back, talk and renegotiate the boundaries whenever necessary.” You don’t want to go into it blind, and there are rules, books, and counselling.
You may decide you can’t stay in the relationship if your partner insists on monogamy but isn’t willing to create sexual intimacy with you. Talk to a counsellor first. If your partner doesn’t go with you, go on your own.
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